My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
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[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.