This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
My work here is don’t.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…