My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
You Might Also Like
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
when there are deer in the woods
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I鈥檓 pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Nice try, poison.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa Mar铆a only to find Dora had already explored America.
Ma鈥檃m do you know anything about your husband鈥檚 death?
Yeah, suicide. It鈥檚 awful isn鈥檛 it?
You鈥檙e saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You鈥檙e gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 馃槶
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don鈥檛 worry, I eat like a bird.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.