Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
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[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.