My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
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[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?