Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
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This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]