If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
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Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐