klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
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[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Ah yes. The three genders
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
How all things should be taught/explained.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Mummies are just super modest zombies
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.