Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
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normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Tuesday
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today