My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
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Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Sorry I made promises on Friday
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
12. I think about this all the damn time
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small