[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
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toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security