People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
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I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here