I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
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Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?