Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
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ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”