God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
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If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
goldfish mafia
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies