Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
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ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.