Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
You Might Also Like
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Try and stop me.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.