Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
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Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.