If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
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[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?