I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
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[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
He a real one for that
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left