My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
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“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.