*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
You Might Also Like
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.