after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
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law suits: quality garments for lawyers
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.