Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
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Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight