Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
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Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time