Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
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“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.