Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
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The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
step 6: release the wall snake
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
not to brag, but mine was free
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.