I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
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I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
What
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.