What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
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My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old