My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
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I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
New Tinder profile.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
i meant to share this earlier
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.