I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
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The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.