If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
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Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
*Seductively hides in the woods
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?