i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
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The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.