Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
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me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
What a website
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
For when Tinder doesn’t work
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically