[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
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Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
One of the best