Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
You Might Also Like
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Hey I worked for it too!
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.