Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
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[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap