ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
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Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Admin smashed it 😂
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic