Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
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most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.