The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
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Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Bobby pin
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.