thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
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Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
This kinda thing happens to me often
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.