Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
$4 #usedbooks
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.