[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
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Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
The prophecy is fulfilled