My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
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Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.