[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
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Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Confused owl: What?!
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
they finally got him. they got macavity
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!