Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
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That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to