At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
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*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did