once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
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If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.