“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
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If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.