Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
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Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up